G.I.R. vs. F.I.R.
by Professor Membrane
Summary: Dib gets his own robot and battles it against Zim's!


G.I.R vs. F.I.R.  
  
(We begin in the Membranes' house. We see Dib working on something, although we can't see what it is yet.)  
  
DIB: Finally! It's complete! My masterwork! (He begins to laugh evilly, but is suddenly interrupted)  
  
GAZ: (While playing GS2) Do you have to do that in here?!  
  
Skool: ext. view (birds chirping)  
  
Skool: int.: Mrs. Bitters' classroom  
  
Bitters: We have once again run out of funding, so we will be teaching the same lessons over and over again. Today's old lesson will be on outer space…and how it will eventually implode in on itself! The universe is just doomed…doomed, doomed, doomed.  
  
ZIM: (yelling out) The Dib is absent!!!  
  
ZITA: (turning around in chair) Zim's right!  
  
(The whole class, even Mrs. Bitters, begins a huge celebration, with kids laughing and yelling and having a good time. Zim watches curiously. Suddenly, Dib walks in the door. As soon as the students notice, the celebration stops.)  
  
DIB: Are we having a class party?  
  
BITTERS: No! (She quickly erases the words "Dib's gone!" from the chalkboard)  
  
DIB: Then why is everyone yelling and laughing and dancing?  
  
(Long moment of silence. Suddenly, Zim speaks up.)  
  
ZIM: Because…we…are learning about outer space…and everyone loves outer space…hehe.  
  
(The class nods in agreement and kids say things like "I love outer space" and "The universe rocks!")  
  
DIB: Oh.  
  
BITTERS: Well, you're late again. You have equipment monitor duty for the rest of the year.  
  
(Dib sighs and slumps shoulders.)  
  
[Fade into next scene]  
  
outside skool: recess  
  
DIB: Ok, people. Recess is over! Put the balls back in the big container.  
  
(Balls come flying at dib at hit him in every part of his body. He groans. Kids all laugh, especially Zim, who is thoroughly enjoying seeing his mortal enemy in pain.)  
  
Membranes' house: int.  
  
(We finally see what dib has been working on. It is a limp robot that looks somewhat like G.I.R., except with a smaller head and a sleeker design. Dib puts a cat suit on the robot and uses a remote control and the lifeless robot suddenly stands erect.)  
  
ROBOT: F.I.R., reporting for duty!  
  
DIB: what does F.I.R. stand for?  
  
F.I.R: Farmhouse Interior Redecorator…no wait, that's no it…oh, yeah, Ferocious Indestructible Robot.  
  
DIB: Yes! Now Zim, prepare to be destroyed!  
  
Night (3:00 a.m.): Zim's house: ext.  
  
(Dib is dressed in all black and F.I.R. in his cat suit.)  
  
DIB: F.I.R., turn on stealth mode so the gnomes can't detect you.  
  
F.I.R.: Stealth mode on.  
  
DIB: Perfect. Infiltrate Zim's home and find out as much as you can about all the exterior and interior defenses. Report back home at 0500 hours.  
  
F.I.R.: Yes, my master.  
  
(Dib walks off into the darkness. F.I.R. walks right past the gnomes and gets into Zim's house through the window. He begins recording information about all the house's security systems into his memory database. He walks through the whole house, past a sleeping G.I.R., then Zim, acquiring information about the house's defensive measures. On his way out of the house, he steps on a loose floor tile and slips and falls onto the floor. This noise awakens G.I.R.)  
  
G.I.R.: Wassagoinon? Uh, what…oh, whoooooo's there?  
  
(G.I.R. looks up just in time to see F.I.R. exit the house through the window. He shrugs it off and goes back to sleep.)  
  
Zim's house int.: kitchen: morning  
  
(G.I.R. is sitting at the table in front of a huge stack of pancakes. Zim is pacing back and forth in the kitchen.)  
  
ZIM: Now that the house's security system is perfect, I can concentrate on destroying Dib!  
  
G.I.R.: I saw a cat.  
  
ZIM: When?  
  
G.I.R.: Last night. It went out the window.  
  
ZIM: A cat?  
  
G.I.R.: Yep.  
  
ZIM: In our home?  
  
(G.I.R. nods. When he does, syrup flies off his face and lands on Zim)  
  
ZIM: How could this be? Only extremely advanced technology could penetrate our security system. It must've been…Dib.  
  
G.I.R.: No, it was a cat.  
  
ZIM: This could only mean one of two things…Dib dressed up like a cat, or he has an advanced information retrieval unit, too.  
  
(About the same time Zim says "Advanced…" we see G.I.R. rolling around on the floor in syrup.)  
  
Skool: int.: Mrs. Bitters' classroom  
  
(Zim confronts Dib as he walks in the classroom door.)  
  
ZIM: You! Dib worm! What do you know? What do you know? Tell me!  
  
DIB: What are you talking about? I don't know anything! You're crazy!  
  
ZIM: Yes! You do know something! You lie! You lie! Tell me what you know!  
  
Bitters: Alright, miserable children, take your seats. Today's recycled lesson is about a negative stigma being attached to the idea of surviving on human flesh.  
  
(Zim and Dib spend the entire class period staring at each other angrily. Suddenly, the bell rings.)  
  
Kids: recess!  
  
(Some children go outside through the front door, but most children climb out the classroom windows, eager to leave the room as soon as possible.)  
  
Skool: ext.: recess  
  
DIB: You can't stop me now! I'll find out everything about you and prove to the world that you're an alien and that I'm not crazy!  
  
ZIM: Never! You cannot defeat an Irken soldier! Tonight, the wrath of Irk will be brought down upon you!  
  
Skool: ext.: night  
  
(Zim and G.I.R. are waiting for dib to show up. We see flashbacks of Zim teaching G.I.R. advanced fighting techniques. We see clips of Zim giving G.I.R. an advanced fighting skills chip, teaching him kickboxing, karate, boxing, and a clip of G.I.R. in a pie-eating contest.)  
  
ZIM: Ahhh…we can finally destroy dib!  
  
G.I.R.: Afterwards, can I get a Krazy Taco?  
  
ZIM: Yes G.I.R., we can go to Krazy Taco.  
  
G.I.R.: I'm gonna get 2 large tacos, a burrito, and a large classic poop.  
  
(All of a sudden, Dib and F.I.R. come out of the shadows, looking menacing.)  
  
ZIM: So you did show up. As your most amazing enemy, it will be a great pleasure to destroy you. Then it's just a few steps to conquering all mankind and making them obey me!  
  
DIB: Not while Im around! F.I.R., ataaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
F.I.R.: Prepare for destruction, inferior artificial intelligence machine!  
  
G.I.R.: (screams gibberish)  
  
(G.I.R. runs at F.I.R. with the rage of a starving robot. It is made apparent that he really, really, wants a taco. However, F.I.R. gets the first punch, giving G.I.R. a left paw. G.I.R. retaliates with a tail-pull, causing F.I.R. to let out an ungodly screech. Both angry now, they get into the classic fight scene in which a dust cloud surrounds them so that we cannot see anything except the nuts and bolts and various robot parts flying out. After awhile of doing this, they face off and give each other evil glares. Finally G.I.R. kicks F.I.R. in the foot. F.I.R. does not get up and for a short time it appears as if G.I.R. is the victor. )  
  
ZIM: Stupid, stupid human. You cannot defeat an Irken invader! Mwahahahaha!  
  
DIB: Ha! I came prepared, alien boy! I have back-up plans!  
  
(F.I.R. stands back up and missiles launch out of his arms. G.I.R. does a girly scream as he runs away and ducks just in time, then turns and uses his jet packs in his legs to avoid the rest of the missiles. He then uses his newly equipped machine gun and starts firing at F.I.R. while still flying around in the air.)  
  
DIB: Wow, I didn't see that one coming. F.I.R., auto-defenses!  
  
F.I.R.: Defensive mode initiated. Damage tolerance up 370%.  
  
DIB: Hahahahaha! Try and defeat me now, alien boy!  
  
ZIM: Okay, since you asked me to…G.I.R., use your special power of doom!  
  
G.I.R.: Yes master, I obey!  
  
(G.I.R. folds himself into a box and smashes himself down upon F.I.R., then unfolds himself and gets up to reveal a completely squashed F.I.R.)  
  
ZIM: Ahhh, sweet victory is mine. G.I.R., finish of the filthy human boy.  
  
(G.I.R. is sitting on the pavement, seeing ducks flying around his head and quacking. he swipes at the imaginary ducks, and accidentally hits himself in the head, causing a chip to fly out that has a label on it that reads:  
  
"Zim! Don't take this advanced fighting chip out of G.I.R.!"  
  
ZIM: uh-oh.  
  
G.I.R.: Beans! Beans and pork!  
  
ZIM: I'll destroy you next time, filthy human!  
  
(Zim pick up G.I.R., who has passed out because he hit himself in the head, and walks off into the darkness. Dib gets down on his knees with his hands in the air, like that classic agony scene you seen in movies.)  
  
DIB: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
ZIM: (calling out from the darkness) Shut your noise tube!  
  
(Dib picks up the flattened F.I.R. and, slumping his shoulders, walks off the opposite way that Zim went.)  
  
Membrane home: int.: living room  
  
(Dib is sitting on the couch, slumped over in a saddened way, watching Mysterious Mysteries but not really paying attention. Gaz is on the floor, enjoying Bloaty's Pizza Hog pizza and trying to play her GS2 at the same time. Trying to pay attention to Vampire Piggy Hunter and trying to put the pizza in the right place proves to be difficult. She gets mixed up and almost eats her GS2 while playing her pizza. This causes her to lose the game, as she was at the last boss at the time of her mix up. She looks at the screen that reads "Game Over" in humongous red letters.)  
  
GAZ: Ahhhhh! I'll get you one day, Zombie Hog!  
  
(Gaz's shriek pulls dib out of his trance-like state of sorrow. He looks up to see the credits for Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery rolling across the TV screen.)  
  
DIB: What was I thinking? I was lost in though during the all-new, long- awaited, super-spooky, mega-mysterious episode of Mysterious Mysteries!  
  
GAZ: Yeah, and you also missed out on pizza.  
  
(She throws the pizza box, which contains nothing but crumbs, into the trash.)  
  
DIB: Hey!  
  
GAZ: well, you deserve it for stealing my pizza last time we had delivery!  
  
DIB: I had one piece!  
  
GAZ: Eh. Your fault…weirdo.  
  
(Dib walks up the stairs to his room. Gaz just stares for a minute, then shrugs and goes back to fighting vampire piggies. The TV goes out. Gaz looks over and notices the crushed F.I.R. on the floor. She stares at it, then molds it into a "V" shape, and puts it on top of the TV to use as an antenna. The reception comes back.) 


End file.
